flipflop_diva

This isn’t what I signed up for.

Okay, to be entirely honest, I didn’t sign up for this at all. Just one day I found myself in a really dark room, waiting and waiting and waiting. I didn’t really get much choice in the matter about coming out or who I had to come out to.

I do remember hearing voices when I was in the dark room. A woman and a man, mostly. I didn’t really have anything to compare their voices to or, well, have anything to compare anything to, but they seemed like they were going to be decent. Like they knew what they were doing.

How wrong I was, let me tell you.

You would think that of all the months they kept me in that dark room, they would have gotten themselves a little prepared. But no, these people I found waiting for me on the other side were the most incompetent, inexperienced bunch.

The first few days I was with them, they had to ask these other ladies in pink for help with everything — where to put their hands, how to make me food, how to get me to sleep. But then after three days, the pink ladies gave up, and I was sent off with this man and woman without so much as a “Good luck! You’re going to need it!”

It was a disaster from the start. I had to spend a lot of my time in those early days screaming at them as loud as I could to get them to feed me when and how I wanted. Now I spend a lot of time screaming at them about these little outfits they keep trying to force me into. And I scream the most when they put me in this little contraption in the moving vehicle. But do you blame me? It’s small, they strap me down and then I have to stare at the back of the seat instead of out the window like everyone else gets to. What kind of explanation do they have for that?

Oh, and if you can believe it, lately it’s been worse. Now they are trying to put water in my eyes, even though I do not like it. And force yucky white stuff that I’m sure is poison down my throat.

I tried to leave the other day. I got as far as the little door that the big furry thing that walks on its hands and feet uses, but then the lady swept me off my feet and plunked me back down into a chair and strapped me down again.

But don’t worry. It’s not all bad. I like to mess with them when I can.

Like today, I waited until they had all my clothes off and they had cleaned up my butt, and then when they weren’t looking, I peed all over the place. The lady looked at me in horror as I sat there in a yellow pool of water. It was hilarious!

Still, though, when I finally learn to talk, I might see if I can get a refund or an exchange on these people who called themselves my parents! For ones who might actually know what in the heck they are doing!

Non-fiction. More or less

This was written for Week 7 of

therealljidol. I hope you enjoyed it! If you would like to read more entries, you can head over here. If you would like to vote for any of the entries, voting should be up Monday night at

therealljidol.